Forgiveness is a gift
for giving ourselves
peace of mind first.Shilashanti
Question [1]: Is it reasonable to be unforgiving?
Answer: While it is natural to take some time to forgive, we should work towards becoming more forgiving, ever more readily so too. This is so as being forgiving is a virtue, that the fully enlightened sure have. For example, can we imagine a Buddha who bears even one small grudge? Not only will he not be a Buddha in the first place, he will remain as a non-Buddha. In fact, as part of the Bodhisattva Precepts (菩萨戒), the Buddha taught that those on the Bodhisattva path should practise forgiveness. As Buddhas are equanimously compassionate when guiding all to Buddhahood, if one cannot forgive even a single being, one can never become a Buddha.
Question [2]: Is it reasonable to deem a particular mistake to be unforgivable?
Answer: While a misdeed is wrong as it caused suffering, if the doer does not repeat it indefinitely, there is no reason to keep bearing a grudge against that person for that one-time mistake. In fact, the person might even do many other praiseworthy good deeds. Thus, it is surely wrong to condemn another forever because of a past mistake. A measure of one’s spiritual immaturity is in how quickly one bears a grudge, while the measure of maturity is in how quickly one lets go of a grudge. As mistakes are made by the spiritually immature, why should we also be spiritually immature with grudge-bearing?
Question [3]: Is it reasonable to expect an apology before forgiving?
Answer: Ideally, the person who has done wrong should apologise sincerely for the mistake. However, the person might lack spiritual maturity to do so, yet have enough maturity to do more than enough to make up for the mistake in other ways. The ‘inability’ or rather reluctance to apologise directly is usually an ego issue. However, the one who expects an apology before moving on usually has an ego issue too. For example, the egoless Buddha is able to forgive all, even without any apologies. This is how he has constant peace of mind, even when ‘provoked’ by the immature. Thus, to forgive others is to free ourselves of suffering too.
Question [4]: Are there more reasons to forgive?
Answer: Since people change, our views (and treatment) of them should change too. We should not be defined or condemned by our ‘worst’ moments. Likewise, others should not be. Since all beings have lasting Buddha-nature (佛性), episodes of our defilements are but fleeting ‘dark clouds’. Our best is yet to be. Just as we hope to be forgiven, we should be forgiving too. The magnanimous who dissolve grudges first win peace of mind first. We should become good examples to inspire ‘bad’ examples. Otherwise, the unforgiving can become the unforgiven too. This is how the wronged can become wrong too.
Question [5]: Is it reasonable if the one angry just stays away indefinitely?
Answer: While this might avoid more unhappy encounters, as long as there is unresolved animosity, one is to that extent spiritually immature, with more room for improvement. As we are interconnected in society, and due to already existing karmic affinity, it is also difficult, if not impossible, to not strain mutual relationships with the tension between. The longer a grudge is held, the harder it becomes to release it. Thus is it wise to forgive as soon as possible. If awkward, this can be expressed in a frank letter written with goodwill perhaps. Tension can also begin to dissolve with a simple smile to greet and wish well.
Question [6]: Is it reasonable to think the harm of bearing a grudge is minimal?
Answer: As one of the causes of unhappiness is hatred, whenever one encounters or is reminded of the detested, there will be a moment of anger. One might not be thinking of the detested all the time, but why punish oneself, by robbing oneself of peace of mind, even for one moment? This is suffering too. An aspect of the Buddha’s teachings on the Four Right (Diligent) Efforts (四精进) at the level of thought is that when with ‘already arisen evils, (we should) enable them to be eliminated’ (已生恶令灭除). Hatred as the most destructive of the Three Poisons (三毒) and a cause of evil karma, should thus be rid of, as soon as possible, lest it grows.
Question [7]: What is a reasonably possible worst-case scenario from grudge-bearing?
Answer: What if the one a grudge is bore against shows up on the deathbed, such that it becomes challenging to undo or do away with the grudge caked up over the years? Since there was affinity to meet, there is also the possibility to meet again. If there is great hatred arising as the last thought moment before taking rebirth, one might even fall into the hells. Even if the person is not met in person, a thought of the grudge might resurface due to years of habitual hate. With such preoccupation, it will be more challenging to be sincerely mindful of Buddha (念佛) then, to bring karmas to be reborn (带业往生) in his Pure Land.
Forgiveness is a gift
for giving others
peace of mind too.
Shilashanti
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