Question: A friend advised that if I am not becoming a monastic, I should get married (不出家就成家/出嫁). Is this good advice?
Answer: It is not good advice for the following reasons.
[1] Wrong Purpose: The so-called ‘advice’ seems to have arisen from the wrong idea that both becoming a monastic and becoming married is for having someone to look after oneself.
There is only one good reason to become a monastic, and it is to focus on Dharma learning, practising (and ideally teaching too), so as to advance towards complete liberation, to benefit one and all.
There is only one valid reason to be married, and it is to commit to caring for one another as selflessly as possible, ideally also supporting one another to advance spiritually together.
[2] Well-Being And Advancement: Even if not married, it is possible to be single and happy too, to be able to take good care of oneself physically, with existing family members and good friends perhaps.
Even if not a monastic, with less worldly attachments (to spouse and/or children) and distractions, this can make it easier to advance spiritually. It is thus a false dichotomy that one should be married to have worldly well-being, or be a monastic to have spiritual advancement.
[3] Against Precept: As taught by Śākyamuni Buddha (释迦牟尼佛) in the Brahma Net Sūtra Bodhisattva Precepts’ Text《梵网经菩萨戒本》in the ‘Thirtieth [Light] Precept Against Not Respecting Good Periods’ (第三十不敬好时戒),
‘If as Buddhas’ [Bodhisattva] disciples… managing the white-robed, for the white-robed, connecting and causing males and females, to meet and be engrossed in sex, creating all kinds of binding attachment… [they] commit a light defiled transgression.’ (若佛子… 经理白衣,为白衣通致男女,交会淫色,作诸缚着… 犯轻垢罪。)
In other words, there should not be connecting and leading (i.e. encouraging and matchmaking) of laypersons (men and women), to meet and possibly become addicted to sex with one another, directly or indirectly, thus creating fetters of attachment. If there is such attachment between them, it will be more difficult for them to progress towards liberation.