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The following can be read as the ‘victim of anger’ or ‘victimiser with anger’ for self-reflection.

Question: I have a family member who is polite to others but vents his anger at home, to the extent of hurling things. Though there was no bodily violence, things thrown around did threaten to injure. Is there any advoce?

Answer: We need to recognise that this means he CAN and DOES control his temper to some extent, as he CHOOSES to release his temper only behind closed doors out of shame and ego. However, anger is a time-bomb that will explode time and gain if not uprooted or defused in time each time. It can even lead to manslaughter! He should quickly leave the room or house to cool down before he explodes each time in speech or action.

While he DID control not hurling things at you or hitting you directly, there is no telling when a fatal accident can happen – with just SOME extra mindless anger. Since it has been affirmed that he CAN control his anger, what he needs is determination to exercise MORE control. If he says he cannot, do share this article with him: http://thedailyenlightenment.com/2011/10/you-are-always-in-control, along with this set of questions and answers.

Question: His flaring up often leads to other family members flaring up. I suggested counselling to solve his anger problem but he refused, out of fear that it will leave a medical record with repercussions.

Answer: Fire cannot be fought with fire. A mediating party needs to come in for shouting matches if no party refuses to quieten down to listen before speaking. Group counselling might be needed. The bad news is most quarrelsome ones refused to go for counselling, often out of angry denial of their anger – which compounds regrets for life! This is where public courses like Project Patience might help offer food for self-reflection and tips for anger resolution: https://thedailyenlightenment.com/2016/09/project-patience-how-to-fight-the-fire-of-anger-run-3

Here is a free Buddhism-inspired non-medically recorded professional and confidential counselling service: http://dc.org.sg/personalgrowth/free-counselling Even if there is some record somewhere, better a medical record than a potentially criminal record due to injury or manslaughter. If you are not confident of urging him to ‘defuse’ in good time, you can honestly, patiently and sincerely confess during a united family meeting, that it will be safer for all in the family that he lives elsewhere. This is still an act of love for all, including the angry person, to prevent him from doing something regretful later.

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