Question: I find it difficult to observe the third precept of abstaining from sexual misconduct. I tend to have sexual thoughts of others besides my spouse. Please advise as to what I should do. I understand there is no quick fix formula, so is there a way to gradually overcome it?
Answer: Are the ‘others’ real people you know in person?
Question: Yes, there is one who expressed interest, but I had stayed away.
Answer: This reply might be a little generic as am not sure of the details… Do stay away from such persons, especially if you already feel tempted. Draw the line at friendship and keep away from being too physically close. Often, willing third parties are not honourable, for the simple fact that they are also willing family-wreckers, especially if they too are already married. Even if this is not their direct intention, they surely know the possible results. Having an affair is not worth the guilt and hurt it causes to yourself and your family. If there is genuine love, there should be proper discussion and divorce, before doing anything regrettable in the heat of the moment.
If you wish to remain loyal to your wife, do spend more time with her to rediscover why she is already good enough. If there is enough understanding, you might even want to share these woes honestly with her. That would be truly forthright, and this can further strengthen your relationship, as she helps you tide over the obstacle. But be sure she is ready though!
Because you can only have one thought in each moment, the direct way to take your mind off the person is to be more mindful of your wife (and kids if any) – in terms of good times you have together, and why you should treasure them now. Regular practice of mindfulness of Buddha’s name (e.g. Amituofo) helps to keep you tuned to naturally observing the precepts well too, as this tune to your pure Buddha-nature while connecting to the Buddha’s blessings.
Question: Thank you for the advice. I will also pray for strength to overcome this.
I had similar experience previously but I managed to overcome it. And I am sure you will do. In the first place, what makes me think I get to choose a mistress? There isn’t a choice at all. I am supposed to protect and love my wife. Not hurt her. Initially I felt happy that there was a lady who expressed interest in me and hence developed unwholesome thoughts. I then realised that it was wrong of me to feel happy about it. I realised tht this was the reason why my mind started to run wild because I did not realise that the lady was not just interested in me…she was interested in poisoning my mind with unwholesome thought..since then I avoided her as though she was a poisonous snake. But I know it is a right choice for myself, my wife and that lady.
Having an affair is not an escape to a marriage problem. Its interesting to note that many married men do have unwholesome thoughts of having an affair. My husband had an affair and both of us went through hell when the affair was exposed. So sad and painful! I always wonder why another woman would not put herself in the wife’s shoes and do such hurting things. Affair is only a short term happiness, its not a great accomplishment. Be grateful and contented with what you have. Affair is not worth to have when you are still married. In the end, it will only hurt you and your wife, while the third party just leave all the mess for you to clear with your wife!!!
the only way to prevent it is to make oneself fat so no one will fall for you
Here is a story of becoming fat out of compassion:
Phra Sangkajai (Sangkachai), a Thai spelling of Mahakaccayanathera was a Buddhist Arhat during the time of the Lord Buddha. Lord Buddha praised Phra Sangkadchai for his excellence in explaining sophisticated Dharma in an easily and correctly understandable manner.
One tale of the Thai folklore relates that he was so handsome that once even a man wanted him for a wife. To avoid a similar situation, Phra Sangkadchai decided to transform himself into a fat monk. Another tale says he was so attractive that devas (gods) and men often compared him with the Buddha. He considered this inappropriate, so disguised himself in an unpleasantly fat body.
Hi Guys, please hear it out from the sinner side… a guilty man who had committed the crime of adultery. Yes, at first I felt great! I felt attractive! My sexual desire fulfilled! My ego went sky rocketing! But, not for long, deep inside my heart, my consciousness knew it was my lust & my egoistic self. The dark side had won & driven me further into my selfishness & delusion. Nobody is perfect, so who am I to blame on my souse’s imperfection?! The other woman is perfect!?! How could it be if she knows I was married?! Guilty feeling followed and I was trapped. I lied to cover up the affair, fearing of being discovered by my spouse. Then, more lies, more delusion & more guilt followed… Slowly & surely, stress come. Stress damaged my health & my mind… the suffering was endless! There was no peace of mind at all!! Eventually, I could not take or cover it anymore, I confessed to my spouse. Hell broke loose!! The hurtful & painful suffering caused, especially to my wife, I would never be able to describe in words & fully understood! Even years after the confession, my wife and I are still going through the painful process of finding and picking up those million pieces of “Trust” that I have broken & lost… Believe me, every piece is like a tiny piece of sharp broken mirror, it reflects my dark side and it cuts again & again both to me & my forgiving wife! I am still feeling lots of regrets as I write this message and I sincerely hope one day I can put those million pieces of “Trust” together, but deep inside my heart I know it will never be the same again! That will be the effect of my cause, my Karma in this life! So guys, if you are a real man, please be man enough to stay on the bright side of your life! Never, never, never let your ego self to take over your peace of mind!
Hi ‘Sinner’, thank you for your powerful sharing! How about posting it at https://www.facebook.com/BuddhistConfessions ?
qwerty,
i tried to post, but it does not show my confession.
It does work. Anything posted at http://buddhistconfess.questionform.com/public/confessnresolve usually appears at https://www.facebook.com/BuddhistConfessions within an hour.
(O)
What you posted is probably listed at the second link already.
Hi qwerty,
yep, i saw my confession already. Thank you.